Requesting Behaviour Change: DEAR Technique

Requesting Behaviour Change

Working together, it is inevitable that someone will do things or say things in a way that doesn’t work well for you. The question is, do you say something or stay quiet?  You need to make that choice. 

What you decide may depend on how you answer the question: “How will I feel (about myself) if I stay quiet?”  If you decide to speak up for yourself, you are showing both you and them that you value/respect yourself and believe that you deserve better. 

As well, the other person may not have any idea how their words/behaviours affected you.  Or they may be in denial, thinking “it wasn’t a big deal” or “I was just stressed.”  If you speak up, you are also potentially doing them a favour by giving them an opportunity to become a better communicator and to improve their own self-management.  You are respecting their ability to grow.

Finally, if the other person didn’t care about their impact or were acting intentionally due to anger or frustration, the approach discussed below lets them know that the behaviour was not okay and at the same time offers them a chance to meet their needs in a way that doesn’t negatively impact you.  

DEAR Technique

If you decide to speak to the person, a useful tool is the DEAR Technique.  DEAR is an acronym for:

Describe (the behaviour) and

Explain (the effect)

Ask (their perspective)

Request (a change)

The following explains each of the four steps and finishes by providing examples. 

The first two parts – D and E— are two halves of one sentence. 

Describe… specifically what you see and hear

                     (try to avoid using the word ‘you’) and

Explain… the effect – practical: the problem it creates  OR

                                   emotional: how it makes you feel: “I feel…”

The first half Describes the behaviour in a neutral way, as if a neutral observer was stating what they saw.  Note: try to avoid using the word “you” so your statement focuses on their behaviour and not on them as a person; remember, it is the behaviour that needs to change, not them. 

The second half of the sentence Explains the effect of the behaviour, either emotionally or practically.  Note: try to avoid labelling the behaviour, but rather explain how it affects you or the work flow.  The full sentence shouldn’t take more than ten seconds to say.  For example:

D: “When I’m told that I don’t know what I’m doing, E: …it makes me reject what you’re saying and I want to be open to feedback.”

Now, since you’ve let them know what the behaviour is and why you want it to change, find out the reason they have been doing the behaviour in the first place.  What needs were they were trying to meet/accomplish by their behaviour. 

Ask… for the reason they’ve been doing the behaviour that you want changed

Here it is useful to use the word “you,” since this is not an abstract question but rather an attempt to learn their specific point of view. (Try to be truly curious and not judgmental when you ask!) 

An effective way to Ask without sounding judgmental is to begin your question with: “Help me understand the reason you…”  For example:

A: “Help me understand what you were hoping to achieve with your comment this morning.”

If the two of you are more casual together, less formal questions including, “What’s up with that?” or “What gives?” or What’s going on?” are just as good. 

[listen to their response]

And finally, now that you have explained the reason the behaviour was a problem for you and learned what they were trying to accomplish with their behaviour, you are able to make a request that will meet their needs and yours.  It is called a “win/win” solution. 

Request… a behaviour change that would work for both of you (or request more conversation)

An example:

D: “When I’m told that I don’t know what I’m doing…

E: …it makes me reject what you’re saying and I want to be open to feedback.

A: Help me understand what you were hoping to achieve with your comment this morning.”

[Their response: “You were doing it wrong and I wasn’t going to be able to use any of your work.”]

R: “Would you please try to give me specific feedback so I know what to change and why?”

Another example:

D: When we don’t start out team meetings on time, E: we don’t get through the work and we need more meetings. A: (Help me understand) what’s getting in the way of your making it by start time?” 

[Their Response: “I have a meeting across campus right before and it often ends late.”]

R: “If we start half-an-hour later, can you tell the Chair of the other meeting that you need to leave by ____ so we can start on time?”

But it’s still scary!!!

Meeting with someone whose behaviour/words have had a negative effect on you can feel daunting.  After all, given what they did/said then, how might they react you my raising the issue with them? 

First, be sure you feel safe.  Consider keeping your door open or meeting in a public place.  And if it feels appropriate, have a third-party present. 

Second, remember the three goals in a DEAR conversation:

And finally, remain calm.  These thoughts may help you to do this:

• I don’t need to prove myself.
  • Shift from judgment to curiosity
  • Non-verbally reassure the other person
  • Allow adequate personal space
  • Slow calm movements, open handed gestures
  •  Encourage talking
  • Maintain eye contact
  • Don’t interrupt
  • “I’m interested in what you have to say.”
  • Refrain from openly judging their behaviour
• Show understanding.
  • “You are angry because…”
  • “You were embarrassed because….”
• Help them save face.
  • Offer the option to pursue the issue later
  • Reassure that their issues will be dealt with
• Disengage if necessary