A difficult conversation can feel scary. After all, we have already decided that it is going to be difficult. We expect it to be like an arm wrestle, a battle, or a threat. The following will explore how to turn a difficult conversation into a valuable one, how to change an arm wrestle into a handshake.
Go to their side of the table and then Invite them to yours
When thinking about a difficult conversation, we often think that we are “right” and they are “wrong.” And often the other person thinks that they are right and it’s us who are wrong.
Have you ever tried to convince someone that their favourite movie is terrible or that the way they experienced a situation isn’t accurate? It almost never works. Trying to convince someone that they are wrong is like trying to drag them through a table from their side to ours. It will simply make them feel bruised (unheard) and angry.
We need first to go to their side of the table, show them we understand their point of view, before inviting them to ours.
The technique that allows us to go to their side of the table (without moving) is paraphrasing or reflecting – summarizing what they said but using different words. We will explore the technique below.
We are then able to invite them to our side, either to request additional information or to explain our concern or reason for disagreeing with their idea/action (while taking their perspective into consideration). It is essential that we express our perspective in a way that doesn’t deny or devalue theirs (or we are back to trying to drag them through the table). The techniques we will explore below are open questions & probes and “I”, “Let’s,” & “Can we” statements.
Combined, the two steps of paraphrasing and non-violent expression make up the…
Communication Two-Step
| Step 1 | Paraphrase | show you “get it,” that you understand their point of view (especially if you disagree) |
| Step 2 | Learn or Explain | ask a question with curiosity (to learn, not to prove them wrong or problem solve) or share your point of view (without denying/judging theirs) |
Step 1: paraphrase – show you “get it,” that you understand their point of view (especially if you disagree)
By paraphrasing what the person said, they know we have truly heard them. Rather than arguing, we are joining them in a conversation. Paraphrasing creates alliance. Paraphrasing has the added benefit of allowing them and us to confirm that we have understood them correctly.
Examples of Step 1 – Show you get it
“So, for you it seems like… “The way you experienced it was… “You’ve been thinking that… “You are frustrated because…” “You want to be sure that…*
* When we use the paraphrase “You want…,” instead of reminding the person of a past negative experience, we show them we understand their goal or need, so they will look at what we say next through a lens of our trying to meet their goals (as well as our own)
When we paraphrase, we are not agreeing (or disagreeing) with the person. We are simply becoming an ally in the conversation. For example, imagine that a person skilled in the two-step (Person 2) approached their manager to ask for an exception/change – timing, day off, etc.
Person 1: “I can’t make that change for you; it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the team.”
Person 2: Step 1 (show understanding): “It’s important that all team members are treated fairly.”
Person 1: “Exactly.”
Now that the Person 2 has gone to their manager’s side of the table, they can respond with either a question to learn more or by sharing their own perspective.
Step 2: Learn useful information to better understand the situation and what needs a solution could address
There are two kinds of questions that are valuable when attempting to learn more about a person’s perspective or about a situation: open questions and probes.
Open questions are, of course, questions that cannot be answered “yes” or “no.” Instead, they give the other person the opportunity to provide information they choose. Open questions begin with: who, what, where, when, how (not why*)
* The word “Why?” is useful in a technical or scientific query, one for which there is a correct answer. In a difficult conversation, the word “WHY?” can feel judgmental/accusing. For example: “Why are you late?” vs. “Tell me what happened.” Or “Why did you do that?” vs. “What was going on for you in the situation?”
Probes are an invitation to the other person to share information that don’t end in a question mark. They are often experienced as less threatening than an open question. Examples of probes include:
“Tell me more about…”
“Please tell me your thoughts about…”
“Help me understand…”
Step 2: Explain your point of view (without denying/judging theirs)
The goal is to help the other person understand the perspective from our side of the table, without their feeling that we have dragged them through the table to get here. A key to accomplishing this is to avoid using the words “you” or “your” when sharing our perspective. The two specific techniques we will explore are “I,” “let’s,” and “can we?” statements. All three of these techniques, allow us to share a request, concern, or goal, without judging, or denying that person’s perspective. They differ in the level of intensity with which they are experienced by the other person.
I Statements create a boundary or draw a line in the sand. Are clear and strong, without being aggressive, but they can be experienced as creating a division between us and the other person. “I want/need us to…”
Let’s Statements are a little softer, inviting the other person to join us in a conversation to find a solution. While, they are more inviting, they leave the other person little choice but to agree and begin to participate in the conversation at that moment.
Can we? Statements request a conversation and allow the other person to decide how to respond – yes, no, at a later specific time… This technique balances the power between us and the other person in the moment and so is usually perceived as the least coercive option of the three. However, it can be seen as the weak option by the other person if they are feeling adversarial or angry at the time or if they have a very direct communication style.
You Statement: “Everything you say is negative! You only talk about problems, not solutions.”
“I need/would like us to find a way to talk about the situation together that will lead us to solutions.”
“Let’s find a way to talk about the situation together that will lead us to solutions.”
“Can we find a way to talk about the situation together that will help us find solutions?”
Returning to our employee and manager example, the two steps might look like:
Person 1: “I can’t make that change for you, it wouldn’t be fair to the other employees.”
Person 2 Step 1 (show understanding): “You want all members of the team to be treated fairly.”
Person 1: “Exactly.”
Person 2 Step 2 (learn): “Would you please tell me what is leading you to see what I’m asking for as giving me an advantage over the other team members?” OR
Person 2 Step 2 (explain): “I agree. Let me explain my situation, as I believe what I’m asking for would actually give me the same opportunity as other team members.”
So, we have gone to their side of the table and shown we understand their perspective. We have then either asked a question or used a probe to learn more or invited them to our side of the table so they could learn our perspective. Now, it’s time to try to create a solution that works for us and for them and to place it, like a gift or a feast, in the center of the table.