A difficult conversation can feel scary. After all, we have already decided that it is going to be difficult. We expect it to be like an arm wrestle, a battle, or a threat. The following will explore how to turn a difficult conversation into a valuable one, how to change an arm wrestle into a handshake.
Go to their side of the table and then Invite them to yours
When thinking about a difficult conversation, we often think that we are “right” and they are “wrong.” And often the other person thinks that they are right and it’s us who are wrong.
Have you ever tried to convince your teen that their favourite movie is terrible or that the way they experienced a situation isn’t accurate? It almost never works. Trying to convince someone they’re wrong is like trying to drag them through a table – from their side to ours. It will simply make them feel bruised (unheard) and angry.
We need to first go to their side of the table, show them we understand their point of view, before inviting them to ours.
The technique that allows us to go to their side of the table (without moving) is paraphrasing or reflecting – summarizing what they said, but using different words. We will explore the technique below.
We are then able to invite them to our side of the table, either to request additional information or to explain our concern or reason for disagreeing with their idea/action (while taking their perspective into consideration). But we need to express our perspective in a way that doesn’t deny or devalue theirs (or we are back to trying to dragging them through the table). The techniques we will explore below are open questions & probes and “I”, “Let’s,” & “Can we” statements.
Combined, the two steps of paraphrasing and non-violent expression make up the…
Communication Two-Step
| Step 1 | Paraphrase | show you “get it,” that you understand their point of view (especially if you disagree) |
| Step 2 | Learn or Explain | ask a question with curiosity (to learn, not to prove them wrong or problem solve) or share your point of view (without denying/judging theirs) |
Step 1: paraphrase – show you “get it,” that you understand their point of view (especially if you disagree)
By paraphrasing what your teen says, they know you have truly heard them. Rather than arguing, you are joining them in a conversation. Paraphrasing creates alliance. Paraphrasing has the added benefit of confirming that we have understood them correctly.
Examples of Step 1 – Show you get it
“So, for you it seems like… “The way you experienced it was… “You’ve been thinking that… “You are frustrated because…” “You want to be sure that…” *
* When we use the paraphrase “You want…,” instead of reminding them of a past negative experience, we show them we understand their goal or need, so they will look at what we say next through the lens of our trying to meet their goals (as well as our own).
When we paraphrase, we are not agreeing (or disagreeing). We are simply becoming an ally in the conversation, showing that we “get it.” For example, imagine that a teen approached a parent skilled in the two-step:
Teen: “If I don’t go to the party, I’m gonna look like a stupid idiot. Everybody else is going!”
Parent – Step 1 (show understanding): “You don’t want to miss out.” or “You want stay tight with your friends (and missing the party could mean you’re less part of the group).”
Teen: “Yah.”
Now that you’ve gone to their side of the table, you can follow up with either a question to learn more or as statement to share your own perspective.
Step 2: Learn useful information to better understand the situation and what needs a solution could address
There are two kinds of questions that are useful to learn more about their perspective or about the situation: open questions and probes.
Open Questions are, of course, questions that cannot be answered “yes” or “no.” Instead, they give the other person the opportunity to provide information they choose. Open questions begin with: who, what, where, when, how (not why*)
* The word “Why?” is useful in a technical or scientific query, one for which there is a correct answer, like “Why is the sky blue?” In a difficult conversation, the word “WHY?” can feel judgmental/accusing. For example: “Why are you late?” vs. “Tell me what happened.” Or “Why did you do/think that?” vs. “What was going on for you in the situation?”
Closed questions are useful to confirm information. For example: “Does that work for you?” But does not get you any new information and can feel like an accusation: “Do you really think it’s okay to…” (If you want to make a statement, make a statement; try not to use a closed question.)
Probes are invitations to share information that don’t end in a question mark. They are often experienced as less threatening than even an open question. Examples of probes include:
“Tell me more about…”
“Please tell me your thoughts about…”
“Help me understand…”
Step 2: Explain/Share your point of view (without denying/judging theirs)
The goal here is to help your teen understand the perspective from your side of the table, without their feeling that you’ve dragged them through the table to get there. A key to accomplishing this is to avoid using the words “you” or “your” when sharing your perspective. The specific techniques we will explore are “I,” “Let’s,” and “Can we?” statements. All three of these techniques, allow us to share a request, concern, or goal, without judging or denying their perspective. The techniques differ in the level of intensity with which they are experienced by the other person.
I Statements create a boundary or draw a line in the sand. They are clear and strong, without being aggressive, but they can be experienced as creating a division between us and the other person. “I want/need us to…” They are “me” focused and not “we” focused.
Let’s Statements are a little softer, inviting the other person to join us in a conversation to find a solution. While, they are more inviting, they leave the other person little choice but to agree and begin to participate in the conversation at that moment. “Let’s talk about it and see…”
Can we? Statements request a conversation and allow your teen to decide how to respond – yes, no, at a later specific time… This technique balances the power in the moment and so is usually perceived as the least coercive option of the three. “Can we talk about this when…” However, it can be seen as a show of weakness by your teen if they are feeling adversarial or angry at the time or if they have a very direct communication style.
You Statement: “Everything you say is negative! You only talk about problems, not solutions.”
“I need/would like us to find a way to talk about the situation together and not against each other, so we can find a solution.”
“Let’s talk about the situation together, and not against each other, so we can find a solution.”
“Can we talk about the situation together, and not against each other, so we can find a solution.”
Returning to our parent and teen example, the two steps might look like:
Teen: “If I don’t go to the party, I’m gonna look like a stupid idiot. Everybody else is going!
Parent – Step 1 (show understanding): “You want to stay tight with your friends and not feel like you missed out.”
Teen: “Yah!”
Parent – Step 2 (learn): “Could you share with me the friends who are most important for you to see there.” or
“Please let me know who is going to be there, so I can better understand.” or
“Please tell me more about where it is taking place and who is going to be there.” OR
Parent – Step 2 (explain): “I’m, concerned about…” or “Let’s/can we talk about my concerns and see if we can find a solution.”
So, we have gone to their side of the table and shown we understand their perspective. We have then either asked a question or used a probe to learn more or we have invited them to our side of the table so they could learn our perspective. Now, it’s time to try to create a solution that works for us and for them and to place it, like a gift or a feast, in the center of the table. For information on how to do this, please have a look at the upcoming post: “Turning Conflict Resolution into Family Creative Collaboration.”