A common way of looking at conflict is a battle between solutions, between yes and no, or me versus them. For example: I want this and they want that. It is a competitive approach, like an arm-wrestle.
Win-win or interest-based problem-solving is a collaborative approach, like a handshake. The approach focuses on what each person is trying to accomplish or gain, instead of on each of their first guesses at how to meet their own needs. This leads to cooperative problem-solving to try to meet all of the collective goals.
In interest-based analysis, when somebody says to us, “we should do this,” what they are really saying is, “I have goals/needs/reasons that make me think this is the best solution.” And when we disagree, it is because we have goals/needs/reasons that make us think our way is the best way to meet our needs. Initial solutions are simply one’s best guess at how to meet one’s needs. That’s all. “Fall in love with your goals, not your solution.”
So, a conflict is not a battle between ideas or choices; rather, it is both people trying to meet their own goals. Further, a conflict isn’t a battle between people; it’s not about the other person. It’s about each person trying to meet their goals. So, in a win-win approach, there’s no need to make conflict either a battle (scary) or personal (mean). Instead, it is an opportunity to find a new (often better) solution by identifying and meeting everyone’s needs and goals. It is an opportunity to be creative together.
This may seem impossible, but in fact it can work most of the time. (Note: we are exploring difficult conversations, not social justice; that requires a very different toolkit.) The following is an adaptation of a teaching story adapted from the book Getting to Yes.
There were once two fifteen-year-old twins. Their home had a bowl of fruit on the dining room table. It was down to one orange. They both reached for the orange at the same time. “I want it.” “No, I want it!” “I WANT IT!!!” “NO, I WANT IT!!!” Finally, they decided to compromise and cut it in half.
One of the twins took their half to the living room, ate their half, and was unhappy: “I’m still hungry, but at least I didn’t miss my show.” (They were watching cable TV, which meant live streaming, no hitting “pause.”) The other took their half into the kitchen and scraped the outer part of the peel, the zest, to put in a cake they were making for cooking class. And they were also unhappy: “Now I’ll get a bad mark in class; the recipe needs the zest of a whole orange, and I only have half.”
Of course, both could have had everything they wanted – one all the zest and one all the flesh. Unfortunately, both so wanted to win and get their idea used, they both lost out. A clear, if unlikely, story.
But let’s go deeper. Keeping in mind that a conflict is not about initial solutions (the orange) and is not a battle between people… What was important to the one in the living room? To not be hungry, not miss their show, and not lose to their twin. What was important to the one in the kitchen? A good grade on a cake in cooking class. So, how could both get their needs met and neither get the orange (which was simply both twins’ first guesses at how to meet their needs)? What else could the one in the living room eat and not be hungry, not miss their show, and not lose to their sibling? How about a piece of the cake? Or a cupcake? Or a peanut butter and jam sandwich made by their twin? (“My sibling, my servant. I like it!”) And what could the cooking twin do without the orange? Make a chocolate (better!) cake. “Fall in love with your goals, not your solutions.”
Let’s return to the example in the post “Navigating Difficult Conversations – 2 Step” that can be found in this site. In that post we looked at how an employee could have a collaborative conversation (instead of an argument) when approaching their manager to ask for an exception/change – timing, day off, etc. And their manager was reluctant to simply agree. To analyze the two differing sets of goals…
| What might be important to the Manager | What might be important to Person 2 |
| – fairness for all team members – self-respect and respectful relationships with all employees in their role as Manager – employee wellness and productivity | – the opportunity to balance their personal and work life – self-respect and the respect of their manager – fairness, given their specific situation and needs |
To be explored:
- Finding the balance of fairness in general while accommodating the specific individual circumstances in this case
And now, instead of having a difficult conversation, they can have a creative one that could lead to benefits for the employee, the team, and the organization as a whole.