“Fall in love with your goals, not your ideas.”
A common way of looking at conflict is a battle between solutions, between yes and no, or me versus them. For example: I want this and they want that. Worse, we can see it as a battle between us and our children. This is a competitive approach, like an arm-wrestle. To quote Barbara Coloroso, the wonderful parenting teacher, “As soon as you get into power struggle with your child, you have already lost.”
Win-win or interest-based problem-solving is a collaborative approach, like a handshake. The approach focuses on what each person is trying to accomplish or gain, instead of on each of their first guesses at how to meet their own needs. This leads to cooperative problem-solving to try to meet all of the collective goals.
Here’s the reason: When somebody says to us, “we should do this,” what they are really saying is, “I have goals/needs/reasons that make me think this is the best solution.” And when we disagree, it is because we have goals/needs/reasons that make us think our way is the best way to meet our needs. Initial solutions are simply each of our first best guesses at how to meet our needs. That’s all. The secret: “Fall in love with your goals, not your solution.”
So, a conflict is not a battle between ideas or choices; rather, it is each of us trying to meet our own goals. Further, a conflict isn’t a battle between people; it’s not about the other person. We love our children. And, whether or not they will admit it (to us or themselves), they love us. It’s simply about each person trying to meet their goals. So, don’t take it personally. Conflict isn’t personal. In a win-win approach, there’s no need to make conflict either a battle (scary) or personal (mean). Instead, it is an opportunity to find a new (often better) solution by identifying and meeting everyone’s needs and goals. It is an opportunity to be creative together.
This may seem impossible, but in fact it can work more often than you might think. As an example, here is an adaptation of a teaching story adapted from the book Getting to Yes.
There were once two fifteen-year-old twins. Their home had a bowl of fruit on the dining room table. It was down to one orange. They both reached for the orange at the same time. “I want it.” “No, I want it!” “I WANT IT!!!” “NO, I WANT IT!!!” Finally, they decided to compromise and cut it in half.
One of the twins took their half to the living room, ate their half, and was unhappy: “I’m still hungry. But at least I didn’t miss my show.” (They were watching cable TV, which meant live streaming – no hitting “pause.”) The other twin took their half into the kitchen and scraped the outer part of the peel, the zest, to put in a cake they were making for cooking class. And they were also unhappy: “Now I’ll get a bad mark in class; the recipe needs the zest of a whole orange, and I only have half.”
Of course, both could have had everything they wanted – one all the zest and one all the flesh. Unfortunately, both so wanted to win and get their idea used, they both lost out. A clear (if unlikely) story.
But let’s go deeper. Keeping in mind that a conflict is not about initial solutions (the orange) and is not a battle between people… What was important to the one in the living room? To not be hungry, not miss their show, and not lose to their twin. What was important to the one in the kitchen? A good grade on a cake in cooking class. So, how could both get their needs met and neither get the orange (which was simply both twins’ first guesses at how to meet their needs)? What else could the one in the living room eat and not be hungry, not miss their show, and not lose to their sibling? How about a piece of the cake? Or a cupcake? Or a peanut butter and jam sandwich made by their twin? (“My sibling, my servant. I like it!”) And what could the cooking twin do without the orange? Make a chocolate (better!) cake. “Fall in love with your goals, not your solutions.”
A more realistic example: a teen wants to go to a party until midnight and their parent(s) want(s) them home by 8:00 PM.
| What might be important to the teen | What might be important to the parent(s) |
| – FOMO (fear of missing out) – not looking like a child in front of friends – fun – autonomy | – ensure teen doesn’t get intoxicated – safety at party and getting home – discipline (teen learning to be increasingly response-able) – not worry all night about teen’s choices |
And now, instead of having a difficult conversation, they can have a creative one. Possible solutions to explore:
- Teen calls home every hour to show they are sober (from inside the washroom, so not embarrassing)
- Parents only call if emergency or teen is 10 minutes late with their call
- Parents pick up teen a block from the party at midnight or if teen is thirty minutes late with their call or doesn’t pick up when called
- Teen can invite several friends to a different activity as good as the party (in the teen’s mind)